i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize