just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
