based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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