Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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