did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize