Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
