non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Randomize