Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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