He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
