apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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