he told me I talked like a deaf person
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
