oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize