Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
