hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Randomize
