I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
