OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize