Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
no. you can't hotbox the world.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
