Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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