If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
