He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
