I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
