just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Boobs are out for the taking
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
