uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
