apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
