I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
