Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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