I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
