I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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