the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
