he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
