someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
