I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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