I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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