You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she told me i tasted like america
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
