True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
