I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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