Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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