Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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