True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I did not marry a roomba.
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