genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i believe in u and ur pee
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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