Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
