Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
