I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
