Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize