the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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