Got a toothbrush?
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
