My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
