You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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