Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
