Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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