so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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