my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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