Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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