Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
