You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
