I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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