I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
