The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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