I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
