Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
