Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
